JollyLife Coaching

THE BEST LIFE

I was watching Oprah the other day and she had Bob Greene on her program talking about his program Best Life. What a fantastic title. And I asked myself how could anyone knock back the question.

Do you want a Best Life?

Of course you couldn't say no because then it would be very obvious you truly did want to sabotage your life.

Then of course you could tell yourself you have the best life and of course we do because our lives all the culmination of all our choices.  Have the choices we've made always given us the consequences we thought we would get? Could we have put more thought into these choices?

During the course of a conversation the other day the words - Choices we make, Consequences we take.
And I like the sound of it. But whilst in this same conversation the discussion around consequences came up and we wondered how many times we really look through the consequences of our choices.

So as I was watching this show I realised, choices I had made had not always given me the consequences I was looking for. Which gives me more clarity around the question - Do I have the best life?

Back to the journal I went pondering this question and so many new aspects of how to re-create my best life came up for me. 

Have a go - Ask yourself this question? Do you have the best life?  If you love, honour and value yourself do you have the best life?

Love to hear some discussion with others around the subject of Best Life.

Seasons Greetings

Wow so much has happened since I last posted on my JollyLife Coaching Blog.

It seems that from early October to now there have been so many things taking up my time. Of course my wonderful clients of whom I have great joy in coaching. Isn't it great when you work with people you love.

Looking after elderly parents seems to be more of a challenge than I ever expected. My darling parents were wise enough to make choices about the years as they were getting older and not so able. They chose to live in a retirement village down by the coast. There facilities are fabulous and all that you could wish for. My parents have everything at their fingertips within a short walk around the hostel. Going to see them frequently you can still see the signs of their aging quite quickly. They are 90 and 92 and in fantastic shape for their age. But it makes you realise they won't be here much longer. It also makes you realise the wonderful lives they have led and the wonderful choices they have made for their lives.
They were adventurerrs, they went out into aboriginal reservations and served the aboriginals within that reservations. Within that time they built a house in Yuendumu NT which is still standing out of any materials they could find or scavage from the government at the time. You must remember this was 60 years ago. So many more things they did, I couldn't list them all. Their lives were a celebration of all things good and wonderful.

This post was to be about sending all my readers and clients Seasons Greetings. Whichever way you choose to celebrate this time of year. Whether it be just because it is summer and wonderful warm weather or whether you choose to celebrate a particular day i.e. Christmas Day or New Years Day, the start of a new year for us all.

So in saying all that SEASONS GREETINGS TO YOU ALL. Have a lovely memorable Christmas Day, New Year's Day or a wonderful summer of barbecues, beaches, and in some cases snow and warm winter fires.

It is a wonderful time for families to get together although at this time it can be quite challenging with people's expectations. I always believe expectations can be change into preferences when such a family time is coming. Prefer it to be great but if it isn't prefer that you will always have peace in harmony in your heart about what you can't change. Expectations can lead to pre-determining how you want things to be, forgetting that other people have expectations and they may not be the same as yours. Preferences leave us with some room to move in acceptance. Remembering that everyone is lovable no matter what we think at the time and we can all do with a dose of acceptance in times of expectations. Christmas being quite a expectation time.

I am off the have a wonderful holiday with my hubby Mike, spending time working in the garden, improving our home in numerous ways and just watching cricket sitting in the spa drinking bubbly well it might be mineral water or soda water most of the time.

I welcome each and everyone of you to my weblog and hope to hear from you in the near future.

Love and blessings
Elly

Thailand Holiday

It seems forever since I booked this wonderful trip to Thailand. I will be away September 21 to October 7. If you  have any queries please email me and leave a message I will get back to you as soon as I return.
Don't you just love empty nesting. My hubby Mike and I are going on a long-deserved rest. Swimming, reading, touristing, eating. Love to talk to you when we get back.

Are you an Independent Thinker?

Of course I am, I hear you say. I thought I was too. Let me tell you about my journey.

I am in the middle of delving through a book by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, "Change Your Thoughts Change Your Life on Living the Wisdom of the Tao".   As I came across the 13^th Verse part of this verse really struck me:

“Why are favor and disgrace alarming?

Seeking favor is degrading:

Alarming when it is gotten,

Alarming when it is lost.”

I had always heard the quote: “Other people’s of me are none of my business” which is theory worked but not always in practice.

As Dr Dyer says in his dialog: “It’s crucial to remain independent of both positive and negative opinions of other people.” As I sat wondering about that I realized as a child if we got a lot of criticism we were always looking for that elusive approval. In other cases children had been liberally given approval whether or not they deserved it and so they believed everything they did was fantastic.

Which case did you have as a child, the parent with too much approval or the child with too much criticism?

How has that measured in your life? Are you free to trust your own opinions? Allowing yourself to be guided by your own inner thoughts in other words the “natural” you. We all have our own answers deep within. Take the time to find out what they are.

How important is what you do? How important is what you earn? How important is where you live? Ask yourselves these questions, how much does that measure who you are as a person?

Even as I write this I am monitoring my words because I want you to read this and approve of what I am saying. We get so hooked into other people’s opinions.

Let me explain:

Every week I go to a botanical art class and as I had read the 13^th verse that day before going, I realized how much we can rely on other’s opinions. This is a fairly new environment for me and one I feel quite vulnerable in. As she came closer I realized I was tightening up within myself, so worried about her opinion. Now as you don’t know my teacher she is without one of the most gentle and humble people I have met in a long time. Why would her opinion worry me? Well it did this day I so wanted her positive opinion that my painting became very stilted. I was almost too scared to put brush to paper.

As I observed these feelings I realized how much I relied on what other people’s opinions were all about whether they were negative or positive. When they were positive I felt elated and happy. When they were negative the self-doubt that crept in was phenomenal.

Okay, you might think that was just a little drawing class. Not all that important in the scheme of things. It is important to me and that is all that counts. So, lets think, how often do we let the opinions of others affect the things we do in life, whether it be at home or at work?

As Dr. Dyer says: “If you gain approval, you’ll become a slave to outside messages of praise – some-one else’s opinion will be directing your life. If you gain disfavor, you’ll push even harder to change their minds, and you’ll be directed by forces outside of yourself. Both outcomes result in the dependent mind dominating, as opposed to the way of the Tao, in which the independent mind flows freely”

See how directed your life can be or is by other people’s opinions.

Needless to say I am back on track just putting a brush on paper with some paint on it.

What is integrity?

Integrity is simple - it means doing what you said you would.  Quite often it is twisted and turned to make it suit a situation but really it is as simple as keeping your word.

It is easy to shoot off at the mouth and say you will do so much, with your intention at the time to do exactly what you have said. But following through can be quite a different matter.

If you do not keep your promises - you are not acting with integrity.
If you keep your promises - you act with integrity.

How often do you follow up? How often do you stop and think – now what did I say I would do? Do you stop to think about how in integrity you are in your life, either professionally or personally.

How would being in integrity in your life change things for you? What would the differences be? What would be the changes within yourself?

We often say things or promise things without thinking about the consequences to ourselves and others. What would the consequences be to yourself if you were constantly making promises and not keeping them?

For example: you said you would be home to take the kids to get something to eat and then go to the theatre for their Friday night treat. You stay late at work to finish something you had forgotten to do, forgetting the promise you had made to your family. Arriving home way too late to go out. Definitely an out of integrity situation.

Example: You arrive home 30 minutes early excited about the night ahead, you have already bought the tickets for the theatre and booked a table close to the theatre at a family restaurant you know is the kids’s favourite. Definitely well in integrity situation.

Keeping your word can be so simple. We often make rash promises that at the time we mean, but following through is quite another thing.  

Deciphering the difference between the promises you do make and the promises you have made in a rash moment helps us to keep in integrity.

Take time out and stop to think if you can follow through with the promises you are making or renegotiate what you said you would do, so that you stay in integrity for yourself and for others.

Make a list of all the things you said you would do and when you said you would do them. Are you in or out of integrity? What can you do to get back in integrity?

• List 1: Things I will complete
• List 2: Things I need to renegotiate
• List 3: Things I should back away from

Fill all three lists and then act accordingly. It feels great to be in integrity.

 

Healthy Relationships

Most of us want a fulfilling lifelong partnership with someone to love and be loved by. Those that say they don't want this have usually been seriously wounded in their important relationships. They are protecting themselves, but underneath their defenses they too long for love.

To be lifelong and fulfilling, a relationship must be healthy. Both person in the relationship must be fully committed and take responsibility for themselves and the relationship. It requires effort to stay conscious and emotionally present. It takes skill to handle our insecurities without distancing our partner, initiating conflict, escaping in work, kids, friends, family, alcohol, TV, etc - or drive them away by clinging too tight.

As we grow into adulthood our capability to function effectively in a relationship is developed and challenged. When we graduate school we do not have all the skills to succeed on a job, and when we leave our family of origin we do not have all the skills to succeed in a relationship. We must strive for self-awareness and learn the intimacy skills needed to sustain and grow a life partnership.

The following are 5 Elements of a Healthy Relationship

1.   Being fully committed: Fulfilling relationships can be hard work (and mostly self-work). Intimacy can be scary, raising fears of suffocation, rejection, engulfment, and abandonment. Intimacy touches our upper limits of how happy and secure we can allow ourselves to be before fear of failure or success causes us to unconsciously sabotage ourselves.

    A healthy relationship starts with commitment. True intimacy, defined as being fully emotionally present and available for each other, is only possible in this context. Our fears and defenses create the temptation to cling or seek distance. Commitment means choosing to take responsibility, handling our fears, and working to be present and emotionally available in our relationships.

2.    Accepting Personal Responsibility: A child holds the world and the people around him or her responsible for meeting his or her needs. A child's "experience" (internal state-mainly thoughts and feelings) and behaviour are reactive to the world. Typically a young child's reaction to being hungry is "My stomach is empty and I need you to feed me now!" The responsibility is put on the parent for the unmet need, and a demand is made to meet it.

    A child does not have the skills, resources, or personal power to take responsibility for his or her own needs, and then take care of them. A baby learns that crying will get his or her needs met; as language develops, speech is used to get needs met. How needs get met at these stages lays the groundwork for the future.

    As a healthy person develops he or she learns to take responsibility for his or her own needs, and co-operates with others in getting mutual needs met by communicating effectively and being proactive. This can be called "Mutuality". People who do not practice mutuality continue to hold others responsible for their needs, often blaming others for their unmet needs and expecting others to take care of them, often responding in anger when others do not see things their way.

There are no victims in the healthy adult world: you are in charge of your life and are in this relationship by choice, nobody made the choice for you. Accept your partner as he or she is. Assume he or she can not and will not change for you. Be responsible for identify your needs and co-operating with your partner in getting them met. Your partner is not in the relationship to take care of you; his or her role is to be responsive to your needs, your role is to be responsive to his or hers.

3.    Taking Care of Yourself: You can best take care of yourself by being responsible for getting your own needs met. In addition, you are not taking good care of your partner if you enable him or her to not take care of himself or herself. You can practice mutuality by asking your partner to co-operate in meeting your needs, you by responding co-operatively when your partner asks you.

Taking care of yourself means not mind reading your partner or anticipating his or her needs, and not expecting your partner to mind read or anticipate your needs. Do not try making Life "OK" for anyone but yourself, and do not expect anyone to make Life "OK" for you. Realise only you can make yourself happy. In addition, taking care of yourself means making it a priority to maintain a balance in your life between your own needs, and the needs of your partner, children, employers, etc.

4.    Telling Your Truth: Communicate your issues, wants, needs, feeling, and boundaries honestly and directly. Do not avoid conflict to protect yourself or your partner's feelings. It must be OK, indeed it is necessary for you to have issued, needs, boundaries, feelings and you must tell the truth about them. Communicate your truth firmly, lovingly, pro-actively, effectively. Communicate your truth responsibly so that it neither offends not results in an unproductive conflict.

5.    Doing Your Work: A healthy, fulfilling relationship is mostly self-work. Continuously strive to live consciously, push beyond your upper limit, refine your relationships skills, heal your emotional issues, control your knee-jerk reactions and projections, let go of your need to be in control, heal the past, let go of your parents, bring down defenses, handle fears and increase your capacity for unconditional live.

   

Tolerations - And what can we do about them

As I have been coaching with my clients throughout January and February I have noticed alot of tolerations coming up. Tolerations, you say, what are they? They are things we are putting up with in our lives that really aren't something we want to do or have happen to us.

Are we really doing the things we enjoy. Did you go to the holiday location of your choice or was it to please someone else? Did please that someone and neglect yourself? How did it feel? Did you have the holiday you wanted? Did you get the renewal of energy that you wanted? If your holiday wasn't everything you thought it would be, what was the problem? Think about it so that you don't repeat the same thing again. After there is other holiday times throughout the year that you could have a truly delicious relaxing time.

Now that you are back at work. Is this really where you want to work? Or are you scared of change. So many people would rather stay in their comfort zone, never stepping out to see what else there is that life could offer them. Think back to the dreams you had as a teenager? What was it really wanted to do?  Could you still do it?  Life can be changed at any age.

Let's trying getting out of our comfort zones in all areas of your life. Make change your friend. Think of all the exciting changes you could make that will give your life a whole new perspective.

Stop tolerating all the things that don't give you energy. Put up some boundaries around yourself to improve your personal standards that will love, honor and value yourself.

Tell me what you propose to do and we can see how many others are interested in making change their friend.

Lets get a CHANGE CLUB going, so that we can all support each other.

Anyone wanting to join the CHANGE CLUB 2007 whether it be small changes taken in baby steps or something big. Email me and we can get started.

What you sow, so shall you reap.

"Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others,

cannot  keep it from themselves."

*Sir James M. Barrie{1860-1937 British Playwright}

Nothing by Thomas Leonard

1.   Promise nothing. Just do what you most enjoy doing.

2.   Sign nothing. Just do what doesn't require a signature of any kind.

3.   Offer nothing. Just share what you have with those who express an interest.

4.   Expect nothing. Just enjoy what you already have; it's plenty.

5. Need nothing. Just build up your reserves and your needs will disappear.

6.   Create nothing. Just respond well to what comes to you.

7.   Seduce no one. Just enjoy them.

8.   Adrenalize nothing. Just add value and get excited about that.

9.   Hype nothing. Just let quality sell by itself.

10.  Fix nothing. Just heal.

11.  Plan nothing. Just take the path of least resistance.

12.  Learn nothing. Just let your body absorb it all on your behalf.

13.  Become no one. Just be more of yourself.

14.  Change nothing. Just tell the truth and things will change by themselves.

By Thomas Leonard

About Elly

I would like to sit and have a chat with you and tell you a little about myself.

I live in Castlemaine which is about an hour and a bit from Melbourne. I have a lovely sunfilled mezzanine floor office.

I am married to Michael and have been for 36 wonderful years with each year our relationship grows and grows. I have two great children Timothy, 32 and Amanda 23. Timothy is working interstate and Amanda works full-time and also goes to uni studying linguistics. Both of them leading their lives according to their own values and what makes them happy.

I have been working with personal development for thirty years and love to continue on my personal journey every day by using the 8 Awareness Techniques on The 12 Core Dynamics of Human Conditiong as experienced in my Core Dynamics Coach Training with Tom Stone.

In the last seven years I have been a personal and professional development coach and always get amazed at how courageous and gutsy my clients can be making the changes that enhance their lives. It constantly amazes me the personal strength and energy people have when they step our of their comfort zones. Watching them focus on themselves and what is important to them is a constant source of joy. As you can tell I love work and my clients and the work they do to enhance their lives.

I am also a lover of botanical illustration and thoroughly enjoy my classes in learning to draw and paint all the unique beauty of nature.

Please forward me a post I would love to know more about you.

Bye for now